Please gather ‘round and join us in prayer that young Charlie Kirk and his incorrectly formed face made it safely through Hallowe’en night, and that no ghouls, ghosts, devils, or creepy crawlies found their way to his bedroom to steal his one-on-one relationship with Jesus.
We know Charlie is worried about that kind of thing, because Charlie, who really wants to be some kind of Voice Of The Youngs, told us all about it the other day. Charlie, who is a junior community college dropout, is pretty sure according to his extensive knowledge of Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic that the Bible explicitly bans Hallowe’en. EVEN THE JEWISH PARTS!
Which must have been weird when God banned it, as all the townspeople would have been like “Hey God what’s Hallowe’en?” and God would have been like “SILENCE!” and then also banned Elf On The Shelf and PornHub.
CHARLIE KIRK: Halloween is coming up, which is All Saints Day, but let’s just be honest, Halloween is a dark, dark day. Not a fan of it. It’s what you do with it. Not a fan of all the kind of dressing up and all that nonsense. I don’t like it.
We always feel sorry for people who are literally born 86 years old and then proceed to rapidly age from there. Loser ass dork.
KIRK: And if you are a Christian, you must be, and by the way, if you’re also a Jew, because this is a Old Testament law, you must not engage in any of these practices of the occult.
And that means Hallowe’en!
It is also really special when Charlie Kirk — or any little conservative Christian white boy — deigns to try to explain how “by the way, if you’re also a Jew,” then this is not allowed for you either. As if Kirk’s unnaturally shaped head even has room inside to understand how Jewish people interpret Torah.
Truly, there is no one more ignorant of How Judaism Works than a conservative Christian white piece of shit like Charlie Kirk. (No surprise that he’s being a total antisemite about the Israel-Hamas war.)
KIRK: I find that there is far too much kind of joking around and playing loose and fast with this stuff.
KIRK: There is legit darkness that can be channeled and put in there.
And ouija boards are a gateway drug to adults giving their most expensive drugs to smelly stranger children in their Trick Or Treat candy!
KIRK: And by the way, this, again, this is an Old Testament law. So this goes for both Jews and Christians.
And by the way, this, again, is an ignorant bumpkin little white conservative Christian pigfuck who was taught by people as uneducated as himself that Judaism works just like whatever charismatic flyover tongue-speaking clown-ass version of Christianity he follows, except for without a New Testament.
“This goes for both Jews and Christians.” Says Charlie Kirk. LOL.
KIRK: So that’s just a good word for Halloween. Don’t even play around with it. Stay away from it. It’s explicitly said.
It’s explicitly said! It’s explicitly said! It’s explicitly said!
You know if you turn the lights off and spin around and say “Charlie Kirk” three times, your face will come out sideways and screwed up like that?
It’s true, we heard it in the Bible, the Old Testament part that everybody has to obey.
Anyway, watch the clip for more babbling about child sacrifice and attempts to interpret Mosaic law, all of which we are sure is the result of Charlie having a shitty and sad childhood.
We have a sneaking suspicion Charlie is also terrified of Day Of The Dead masks, so all of this probably applies for today and tomorrow too.
Stay safe out there, Charlie Kirk! The world is a scary place that literally exists to SNEAK UP GONNA GITCHU AND SAY “BOO!”
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